I had a mini break-down on Mother's Day. I'm pretty sure I had a mild panic attack. I could not get the funk out of my head, tears were waiting for just the right moment to make their way down my cheeks, and the exhaustion I felt was overwhelming. I told Joel he needed to take the kids to church without me and then I got back in bed. And slept. For three hours. When everyone got back from church I made my way downstairs to eat lunch. During the course of the meal, Emmy informed me that she had given me the title "Queen of Headaches" at which I put down my fork and walked back upstairs for a good old cry and self-pity session. I felt like an absolute failure. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt like a waste of bones and skin and breath. Not fun.
Luckily I am blessed to have some amazing friends, one of which called me after reading a desperate text I sent her in response to one she had sent earlier. She listened to me cry and blubber on about my fears and sadness. Then she read Isaiah aloud to me and prayed.
God is so good to get us out of the pit of despair. I had slipped in and wanted to sit in the muck and stale darkness because it felt too exhausting to battle my may out. Thank goodness we have a God who fights for us. Thank goodness for dear friends who will take the time to remind you of truth and gently point you to Jesus. I decided to believe that the power that lives inside me is greater than the power of the enemy. I decided to get up and have courage to face the day. I decided to reach out to some folks and offer love despite feeling empty. In response to that obedience (yep, I admitted I did something right. I obeyed) God filled me with energy and joy and patience and breath. I felt a peace that surpasses understanding. Really. Not making it up.
The other day I was reading Isaiah 26 and sensed God calling me to really digest verses 3 and 4. "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is fixed on you. Trust in the Lord forever, for God is an everlasting rock." I texted this verse to my Young Life girls. I prayed it over myself and my family. A day later I open a book Joel is reading just to see what it's about and on the front page there is my verse. I felt known and loved in that minute. I truly sensed God's presence. He speaks. He is real. He is faithful.
Depression is an ever-looming monster I battle to keep at bay daily. I cannot imagine battling this without the Lord. Praise God that He holds me fast and protects me from myself. It is far too easy to fix my mind on the negative and become discouraged in a world that feels frantic. God is sweet to provide a way out. I pray you would never let me go Lord. Remind me.