Why

The annoying question, "Why?" has been a source of much growth and discipline lately. I figure God has to deal with me as you would a preschooler so He has been asking me this question incessantly the past few weeks.
So how this pertains to my inner dealings with the Lord is this: I struggle with desiring something I don't perceive as having and God asks me, "Why?" to help me uncover the junk I am choosing to be a slave to in contrast to basking in the freedom of His truth.
 For example:
Katie: I wish I had beautiful long, thick hair.
God: Why?
Katie: Because I want to be beautiful.
God: Why?
Katie: (begrudgingly) Because I want people to look at me.
God: Why?
Katie: (feeling really lame) Because I want people to make much of me.
God: Why?
Katie: (do I have to answer?!) Because I am afraid people won't like me if I'm not sort of a big deal.
God: Why?
Katie: (now I'm feeling pretty stupid) Because I think this world will make me happy.

As silly as this may seem, this has really been a useful tool in digging down deep in my little heart and recognizing that old nasty sin I cling to instead of God's truth. As embarrassing as it is to admit, my vanity has been weighing me down tremendously lately. Am I pathetic or what? It is ridiculous. It is selfish and stupid. I should be much more mature and not care at all what I look like and focus my energy on truly important things; things like molding my children's hearts, serving my husband well,  being an agent of change in the areas of homelessness and extreme poverty to name a few. And yet here I have been making myself sick focusing on my self image over and over again, spending a little too much time in front of the mirror trying to create some persona of togetherness and beauty.
But God has been faithful. He will not let me settle for a quick fix or even a continuation down this slippery slope. So He asks me why I think this way and leads me down a path of humility and confession. Why is it important that I feel pretty? Why do I value outer beauty so much? Do I really buy the lie that we are worthy because of how we look or what we do? I have but I choose to fight this lie. You may not think this is a battle you are engaged in, but I guarantee this need for a sense of worth permeates our human psyche. Depending on what demographic you find yourself a part of, worthiness is defined in so many different ways.
Thank goodness I have a hope to cling to beyond what this world offers! Thank goodness my worthiness comes from the One who made all things. I am more than the sum of my actions, thoughts, weight, reflection in the mirror. I am Christ's bride and a daughter of eternal royalty. I'd be in big trouble if I had to weigh my worthiness based on the world's scale! I've got nothin! Oh but I am more than a conqueror in Jesus and He loves me more than I can fathom. And He loves all of his babies. We are all so very loved and I pray we would stop walking around like a bunch of unloved orphans.

Happy Resurrection Day

He is Risen! He is risen indeed!
I must admit I woke up yesterday morning a bit cynical. Not because I wasn't excited to celebrate the amazing truth of Christ's resurrection.
No, I was a bit cynical because we were headed to our church's HUGE Easter service at the Frank Erwin Center. Where one goes to see basketball games and concerts. Our church is large. There is no getting around it. We did not ultimately choose our church, God chose it for us. We had bounced around for several years trying to find the "best" church in Austin. Did we really think it existed? In our prideful minds we certainly did. We moved one last time to a little community church, barely 4 years old, thinking we had finally reached our Mecca. A small and intimate church focused on going deeper and building true Christ followers; we had found the "perfect" church for our family. Only months after making this big change, this tiny church merged with a massive mega church. This church is solid in its core beliefs, vision and mission, but it is HUGE. Not our preference certainly, but clearly where the Lord wants us. We made a decision before all this had happened that this was it and we would stick where we were no matter what, barring some radically un-biblical leadership. We're in for good.
So I woke up yesterday fighting off seeds of judgement and frustration. I didn't want to go to a rock concert where our church would come off super hip and entertaining. I didn't want to show up at a huge facility where we sat in a mass of unknown faces. I didn't want to be led to an emotional frenzy aided by great lighting and visual effects. I simply didn't want to go.
After we dropped the kids off in what reminded us of stock show cattle bins, we slowly made our way to our seats. We ran into some people we knew and said, "Happy Easter!" with big smiles on our faces, but inside my heart was crusty. I picture a little old lady sitting in the corner of my mind smoking a Marlboro and muttering to herself. Not a pretty picture, but indeed where I was.
As the lights dimmed, I leaned over to Joel and said, "U2 concert here we go!" I am so glad I was preparing my heart to worship.
The first song I sang with arms folded across my chest and praying silently that my heart would change. I truly wanted to celebrate and honor Jesus with my worship and knew what I was presenting was not it. "But this is a big show Lord! They are making it really difficult to come before you on an intimate level. It's the church's fault."
Then our pastor, who is a highly gifted teacher, asked us to turn around and greet one another. "Oh great, now I get to do the awkward handshake and say the appropriate words and act so excited to be here." I turn around and am shocked to find our NEXT DOOR neighbors sitting behind us. I'm no mathematician but I would say the odds of this happening are minimal at best. This arena seats over 30,000 and I think the place was about 1/4 full. We didn't even know they were believers. To top it off, the wife had brought one of her Young Life girls to the service. WHAT? Believers AND involved in the ministry we hold dear to our hearts. Chance?
I turned back around and was immediately hit with a sober humility. God is much bigger than any of the hullabaloo and His sovereignty trumps my personal preferences.
As I continued worshipping, with a much more humble and thankful heart, I realized there was a gift just for me right in my line of vision. A precious African woman dressed in her beautiful traditional clothing was singing and dancing with total abandon. Next to her was a man with a large tumorous-growth on his chin, the kind you only see watching National Geographic, worshipping in the same fashion. Tears just started to flow as I realized God was meeting with me on a very personal level. I have a soft spot for Africa- never been there, but simply love the culture. I love the strong women who live in true community, know how to laugh at the troubles that come their way, and most of all I love that they DANCE. Some day I know God will let me go and be a part of what He is doing in that country. I know it may sound silly, but I truly believe God put her in my line of sight as a reminder of how much He loves me. Isn't it funny how He seems to have a special language with us all?
The remainder of the service was wonderful, the sermon pertinent and truth-filled and I walked away filled with the scent of a sweet encounter with God.

He is Risen!

Vulnerable

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal.

Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entaglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

C.S. Lewis

Goodbye 2011

 I just have to point out the fact that I have the funniest sister in the world. We didn't get to spend Christmas with the Loop family this year and I found myself missing my goofy dad and silly sister.

See what I mean? She cracks me up! I am just hoping I can convince her to move to Austin and live across Mopac at the Domain. Then I could see her whenever I want... muh wahhahahaha!

Adios 2011!! I am excited to see what God has in store for 2012. I hope it includes some road trips and less preschool tantrums. Here are some of my highlights from this past year... in no order whatsoever...

Post Halloween Party with the Besties.

Homemade goo

Port A with all the Fosheas

Kids being old enough to appreciate the beach = priceless.

A really hot summer demands extreme trailer trash cool downs.

Camping with best friends.

Two years old. Wow.

Hanging poolside with the Hardys.

Some sweet bedtime reading.

Fixing up the old house = lots of demo.

Getting close to putting her on the market.

A trip to Chicago with Pops and Seester.

Sending my dad photos of Lesley and I in IKEA and  pretending it is our new house.

Preschool cuteness.

New neighbors are the best.

Cars 2 with Emmy's pseudo sister.

Bluebonnets in Nana's front yard.

Some serious skills with an air gun. RIP squirrel.

It was HOT!

Welcome to our new home.

Birthday parties galore!

Book club girls... so fun! Probably my favorite night of the month, hands down.

So blessed to have a wonderful family.

My Wodies.

Easter with Pancho and Aunt Lesley.

Just chillin...

And killin at the Safari B with the Bakers.

Happy New Year!

Community

An excerpt from a really good book on doing church and life together and all that good stuff:

If the Western world's prevailing culture reinforces individualism, a different culture is necessary to present an alternative. The church is a great context in which to learn what it means to live in relationship with others. It is the location in which my self-preoccupation will be confronted. This happens as I hear the Bible being taught. It happens as I am encouraged and rebuked by my brothers and sisters who take responsibility for my godliness. It happens as I respond to the Lord's call to love God with all my heart and my neighbor as myself. It happens as God's truth conspires with my circumstances to show me that this is not my world and I am not God. It happens as the community responds to my sin with love and grace.

I feel very blessed to have folks around us who are battling for this kind of life together.

Running in the rain

After I dropped the kiddos at preschool I went running around the Municipal park near our house. It was glorious! I got lost in the maze of trails and ended up by the railroad tracks... had to pull out my phone to figure out where I was (oh modern technology, how i have come to depend on you far too much). I loved the adventure of it. I know, it's not like I was scaling a mountain or trekking through the AT but it was a slice of heaven in the middle of our little city. Trees crowded the trail, a small (dry) creek ran on one side and there was not a soul in sight. It reminded me a lot of the trail I used to run on in Waco at Cameron Park. This fact made me all silly with warm memories from college which in turn became a sweet time of worship as I allowed God to show me how much He has done in my life. From that flowed a real spirit of thankfulness- this I have not experienced in a while!

I had a sweet moment of holy contact this morning. I ran along in the "wilderness" of this little park and listened as God ministered to my heart through the music in my phone and the solitude of the place. The rain that came as I exited the woods and made my way back into our neighborhood was so refreshing and loved on me as well! I just soaked it in (literally and figuratively) as God's gift during a bit of a funk time. It is no wonder Jesus always made time to get away to a "lonely place" and pray to his father. For a long time I have known that God tends to use times of physical exertion to speak truth over me and today was no exception. 
I have never experienced more testing and refining than when I  led backpacking trips in Colorado 10 years ago (I can't believe it was that long ago!!) I miss the simplicity of my days during those two summers. When we were on the trail, we had a sole purpose: share the love of Christ with high school kids in the middle of God's beautiful back-country. We would take them up on high places and hopefully share a perspective with them they had never experienced before. I was always stunned by how small I felt amidst the towering peaks and yet how intimately known and loved by God I felt at the same time. Thank you God for giving me a bit of that this morning. You are so good to meet us where we are. I am, as always, overwhelmed by your grace to such a wretch. You alone have my heart.

Please excuse the clarity and size of this photo. I am still figuring out our scanner. This picture was from one of my trips during my second summer at Wilderness. This was an all girl trip that was full of adventure and fun. This was probably one of my all-time favorite trips!

Feeling the Funk

Man I am running on nothing but God's grace alone. Isn't it funny how He just won't allow us to stay in a place of neutrality or lukewarmness for too long before He yanks the rug out from under you? I know all the right things to say and the right Scripture to reference when feeling downhearted. But do I truly allow myself to 1) believe it all and 2) make a concerted effort to hang on to that truth for dear life? Unfortunately I have limped my way into a state of spiritual comatose and am having to battle to get my feet under me. It is far too easy to let the eternal things of life take a backseat to the obnoxiously loud temporal things. Things like changing addresses, fatigue, bills, getting dinner on the table, vacuuming for the 1,035th time; these all scream for my attention and I am lulled into an almost trance-like state. I find myself  simply trying to "make it" until the end of the day when I fall into bed exhausted and empty. I severely dislike the feelings of listlessness and anxiety that have somewhat taken root in my daily routine. The only way I can battle fruitfully is to call on the power of the Holy Spirit. Plain and simple. So I leave this computer now to go soak up God's word and to allow His word to penetrate my heart so that I am no longer like a reed being tossed to and fro whenever the wind blows. We are MORE THAN CONQUERORS in Christ! He has good things prepared for us to do if we would but take courage and follow Him.