A prayer

I left my husband with our two darling children tonight. I walked out of the house after dinner with no specific destination in mind. I just knew I had to get out of the house or something in me would quite possibly snap permanently.

My sanity.

My sense of reality.

Whatever it was, I needed to leave and quickly. Luckily Joel was kind enough to give me a free pass to shirk my mothering duties for an hour. I have been wondering lately if this whole "Stay-At-Home-Mom" gig is something I am equipped to do. I am quite possibly the worst SAHM on this planet. I need help. My kids' ages (18 months and 3) are exhausting.

I love them dearly of course.

I know there is much worth in being a mama.

I know Christ is glorified when I love my family well.

I know the glamorous life of being a missionary I pictured back in college was bred mostly from pride.

I know God calls us to be faithful in the mundane.

BUT- is this it?

I truly want to be a woman after God's heart. Is this what He has called me to? I want to live life to the full but feel I am weighed down by basic daily life. I know God wants more from me but I can feel overwhelmed at times by even the simplest of things. I can also get overwhelmed by the "list" of things I should be doing and the people I could be loving better... not to mention the need for more prayer and time I should be spending in the Word... Should I be starting a small business to help our family financially? Should I be creating a curriculum for my little ones in lieu of paying for preschool? Should I be finding more healthy recipes for our meals? Cutting coupons? Cleaning more? Cleaning less?

Ahhh!

God I seek simplicity. Help me to be a simple woman. To have a single focus. To know you and love you more. I want to be more like Jesus, not like this world. Please God help me to throw off the crap that entangles me and hides your glory. You are my joy and my portion forever. You are the light of this world and the king who reigns. You alone can heal the blind and bring down nations. Humble me Lord. Help me to follow you better.